Monday, October 1, 2012

Wicked and Naughty Nuns

We have all heard the saying, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”  That is sound advice.  Consider nuns for instance.  We expect gentle, god loving beings doing good deeds.  Somewhat like Mother Teresa right?  Not always!

     If you're somewhat like me, when you think of nuns you picture the pious keepers of the faith such as those pictured above. Upon research I have found that nuns are not all created the same, nor do they have the same values. Read on and meet the naughty line up of nuns that fell into temptation in one form or another.

            A 26-year old nun and a 43-year old priest were caught doing the naughty in a parked vehicle at the Lilongwe International Airport in Malawi.  Apparently they needed to pleasure the flesh!

Police claimed they noticed the vehicle, “shaking in a funny way.”  Er, duh!  What did they think was going on inside the car?  Twister?

The unlikely duo received six months hard labor and jail time but it was suspended by the judge because they had both shown remorse for their actions.  The priest said he was tempted by Satan. Well, hell if that works we should all try that lame excuse if we’re ever arrested.

“Judge, I apologize for getting drunk and pissing on a patrol car. I also apologize for not paying my last twenty parking tickets, and.....I was tempted by Satan.”  Case dismissed!

Well, we can all agree that living the life of a eunuch would be difficult at best.  So should we forgive this priest and nun?  Of course we should, they would tell us to do so.  And besides, sex is great! Just ask them.

It would seem that nuns have other weaknesses besides sex.  Take for instance two nuns from Musaka, Uganda, Sister Nanteza and Sister Rita.  These two were busted growing oodles of pot at the Bwanda Covenant on a banana plantation.  If that wasn’t enough Sister Nanteza attacked the police for entering the covenant without permission.  Uh, sorry Sister, smacking a police officer is probably as bad of an offense in Uganda as the US.  

Maybe she was mad she got caught.  Hell, who isn’t sorry when they get caught!  By the way, they claimed the plants were for the pigs and other livestock and not for sale.  Okay, whatever you say, sister!

Apparently nuns in Chennai, India like to handle the green gold as well.  St. Anne Sister Anastasia was arrested for trying to smuggle pot into a prison in Madurai.  Her intention was to give the pot to a prisoner infected with AIDS.  Well, there is another saying now that comes to mind.  Ah, yes.  “No good deed goes unpunished!”

Not all misconduct by nuns were on foreign soil, huh, not even close!  Here in the good ol’ United States a nun was charged with embezzling close to one million dollars!  “Holy shit!”  You say and I concur!   

“Thou shalt not steal.”  To the left is our smiling nun Sister Marie Thornton.  Ah, isn’t she sweet?  The sister netted around $850,000 from the Iona College.  Another source claims the amount was $1.2 million.  What the hell ever, either amount is still a lot of money and oh, yeah, wrong to steal.  

Sister Marie Thornton claimed the money as expenses.  Wow, that is some expensive expenses!  What the hell?  Was there no one noticing expenditures, like, I don’t know an accountant?  

In the defense of the college, Sister Marie Thornton embezzled the money over 10 years.  So that basically equals $85,000 per year.  So we still want to know, “What the f*ck?”   Why would a sister need $85,000 a year in expenses?  Did she fly to Guam a hundred times and feed the poor?  Buy a thousand new habits?  Nope, a coach at the college stated that she had a gambling problem.  Well, Id guess so!

In the end she faced four years in prison and was fired from her job, but nothing so far had mentioned restitution.  Hello, again!  If Joe Blow embezzled $850,000 you’d better believe his ass would be paying restitution.  By the way, she has pleaded not guilty. 

I'm just shaking our head over this one.  So far we have read of a priest and nun having sex, totally understandable.  Nuns growing pot and smuggling pot, okay, it is against the law but they didn’t inhale.  Our Sister Marie Thornton is badass number one so far, but let’s see what else we can uncover.

Here we go, a saucy nun.  Really, this one likes the sauce!  So much in fact she was arrested for DWI in Wantagh, NY with a blood alcohol content of 0.18.  Her adventure contained side-swiping vehicles and driving through lawns!  Funny.  I laughed too.  She even hit a tree.  The bad part was children had to get the hell out of her way.  Ah, Sister Lauren Hanley you are a naughty and reckless nun aren’t you?

Apparently her drinking started around 3:00pm at her place of employment.  Where would that be you ask?  At St. Frances de Chantal where she works as a spiritual director of course.  Ideally, being a spiritual director could be stressful.  The exhausting task of trying to lift peoples spirits and spread good will must be excruciating work especially in this day and time.  But damn lady, running through a group of kids?

Later she was charged with misdemeanor drunken driving and faced only a maximum of one year in prison. 

Did you do a double take with the embezzling nun and our drunk nun and believe they were one and the same person?  I did too, but no they are not.

The list gets naughtier! An eighty-year old former nun was brought up on charges of sexual abuse dating back to the 1960’s.  Sister Norma Giannini pleaded no contest to the charges of felony counts of indecent behavior with a child. 

It should have read children as there were numerous instances, some 200 instances!  Seems the sister was a horny hussy in the sixties.  Well, so was half the nation at the time.  But teenage boys? Below is the horny sister Norma Giannini then and in 2008.

The sister was sentenced to serve one year and ten years probation for her indiscretions.

Sometimes a nuns believe they doing good only to find out otherwise.  Take Sister Margaret Anthony in 2009.

It seems the good sister tried to protect a homeless man wielding an ice pick from police.  One officer said, “She was loud. She was belligerent. She was defiant.” 

Really?  Does that about cover it?

The protective sister was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct and obstruction of justice.  

I think she is a badass nun, because who else would put their selves in from of an apparent upset homeless person with an ice pick?  I bet she knows karate or some kind of other kick ass self defense.  Go Sister!

Well, so far we have had a badass mix of sins by women of the cloth. You may wonder if there's more. Of course!

Many have heard of nuns cracking students with a ruler when they misbehave, but have you heard of a nun that smacks kids with hairbrushes?  

Sister Alphonso aka Marie Docherty is that nun.  She worked at the Nazareth House children’s home in Aberdeen from 1965 to 1980.  During her time her abuses racked up and by 2000, hundreds of former residents had plenty of stories to tell.

One girl was hit by the sister and knocked into a radiator while another was force fed sweets and had a pair of shitty underwear thrown at her.  Okay, so that is rather mild shit.  The abuse varied greatly.  One girl was shoved off a swing which smashed four of her front teeth.  Yet another was force fed tapioca pudding, steak and kidney pie.  Yeah, yuk!  But hang on the yuk factor increases!  One woman reported that the sweet sister made her eat her own vomit!

To end my tale of naughty nuns all I can say is, "Don't judge a book by its cover!" As we can see, no one is immune from sin....No one.

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